Bono and the Mystery of the Rock'N'Roll Bathroom

I write for a humor blog with two friends, James Malins and Cherie Michiko, called Misusing Big Words. This post was originally published here:

I’m on the pot when I hear it. And no, I don’t mean I’ve been smoking the crazy reefer, I mean I’m actually in the bathroom, doing my business, when a slightly echoing version of U2’s “Stuck In A Moment” drifts into my bathroom.

A few things come immediately to mind: Is my phone ringing? No, I don’t have that song as a ringtone. Perhaps a car with an exceptionally loud radio is driving by outside? Unlikely, but I suppose possible. Am I so focused on completing “the task at hand” that I’m humming to myself? No way, I only did that once, and it wasn’t U2, it was Raffi.

Clearly, this will need some further investigating.

I finish up, flush it down, wash my hands and turn around, and it’s gone. I don’t hear anything anymore, and now I’m wondering if I ever actually heard anything in the first place. I take a few steps back into the bathroom, and there it is again, very low in volume but definitely present. Is the ghost of Bono still haunting me? I consider this briefly before remembering he is still alive and has never haunted me in the past.

I put my canine-like hearing to the test, and “sniff out” where the noise is coming from, only to find, after a few seconds of twisting and turning my head at various heights and precarious locations that U2 is piping out of the toilet, still “Stuck in a Moment.” It takes me another few moments to realize that the toilet itself isn’t playing Dublin-based alt-rock. Rather, I’m getting the leftover scraps from my apartment neighbor’s stereo. It seems I've got a neighbor who is an aspiring apartment DJ.

Surreal, yes, but I don’t mind it. Since that day, I’ve enjoyed some great classic tunes while evacuating. The Stones’ “(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction,” Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” even Cash’s “Ring Of Fire,” and all of them seemed, somehow, to have something to say about their accompanying bowel movements. God only knows whether “Ring of Fire” affected the burning feeling I experienced or it was just coincidental.

Either way, I’m glad we haven’t had any Iron Maiden bathroom excursions yet. I have a feeling that would require some extensive cleanup. (In case you're interested, here's the complete "number 2" playlist. Enjoy.)
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