How to Thai a tie

I write for a humor blog with two friends, James Malins and Cherie Michiko, called Misusing Big Words. This post was originally published here:
Most mature adult males, myself included, know how to tie a tie. However, I’d be willing to bet most people don’t know how to Thai a tie.

The Thai culture includes many diverse factors, but some standouts are the belief in Buddhism, an affinity for kite flying, and an enjoyment of Muay Thai, or Thai boxing. Pictures, representations or symbols of any of these, when stitched onto a silk tie, would help make a classy Thai tie—and that’s my kind of Thai tie. For the financially-impaired, any solid colored tie can be picked up from an outlet or thrift store, and can be modified using puff paint, Sharpie, or even washable markers, should you ever want to un-Thai your tie.

Now you can finally tell your parents you know how to Thai a tie. But what if they ask you to tie a Thai?

While we at MisusingBigWords don’t think you should ever tie someone up on the basis of nationality, we do understand that there are times when any person, regardless of race, gender, age, class, etc needs a good tying up. Whether you’re trying to prevent their escape or perhaps your agenda is a bit naughtier, here are the best ways to tie a Thai.

I personally am a fan of the Double Fishermen's Bend, mostly because the name sounds slightly kinky (though also slightly gay, which is unfortunate for me but perhaps fortunate for gays). The Trucker's Hitch just looks much too large with far too many loops to be usable, but if you’re into both decorative and useful, go for it. Another winner is the Figure Eight, or Flemish, Bend. Small and sturdy, but curvaceous, it adds some fun to Thai tying.

So you’re all set next time you need to tie a Thai. However there’s one more way to tie a Thai, and it doesn’t involve rope.

First, challenge a Thai person to a race or a game of some sort. Next, agree that there will be no extra innings, overtime, or sudden death of any kind. Finally, play well enough not to lose, but not good enough to win. In the end, you should have tied the Thai!

In closing, we at MisusingBigWords like to think outside the box, so we’ve provided you this creative education. We do not endorse harming yourself or others during any Thai-ing or tying of ties/Thais.
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