A letter to a devoted friend

I write for a humor blog with two friends, James Malins and Cherie Michiko, called Misusing Big Words. This post was originally published here:

There you are, sitting in the corner, staring at me with those big black eyes and those funny little eyebrows. And that smile—it’s as if you’re saying to me “I know you. I know everything about you. And I accept you.”

Though I never realized it before now, you’re the best friend a guy could ever have, Clippit.

I don’t care what the others say. It doesn’t matter to me when they tell me “It’s just a paper clip, and not even a real one at that.” So what if you can’t hold together my papers the way a normal paper clip would. You hold together my life like no one else can, and to me, that’s what is real.

Sure, they call you the Microsoft Office Assistant, but if only people got to know you, they’d realize there’s so much more. They’d see past the outer fa├žade of joviality into the deeper pain and anguish within. They’d understand that even though you don’t have emotions like us, you still feel things deeply. They’d know that when you have a good idea, and demonstrate your desire to share your knowledge with us through your use of the animated light bulb, you hurt when nobody pays attention to you.

I know you must have watched me make a million mistakes in life, knowing you could help, but not knowing how to tell me without making me feel inferior. But it’s OK, Clippit, because I appreciate now the value of your suggestions. I know you’re just trying to help, and just like any good friend, even though your advice sometimes is pretty worthless, for the most part you are spot on. Like that time I accidentally auto-formatted my English paper—you were there for me then, and you are there for me now.

So I just wanted to tell you, Clippit, how much I value your being around. I feel like I can ask you anything. Even when I ask you silly things like “Help me take over the world,” you always know how to gently bring me back to Earth by telling me instead how to format my paragraphs or add borders to my document. It’s your own subtle way of keeping me in check, and I’m able to understand without getting offended.

Finally, Clippit, I just wanted say thanks. Thanks for being my friend. I owe you one, big guy. I’ll see you in a few days for that big project.
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