The most rewarding part of love

I write for a humor blog with two friends, James Malins and Cherie Michiko, called Misusing Big Words. This post was originally published here:
As I finished talking, she looked at me sheepishly, like she had something she wanted to say but had forgotten how to speak. Finally, she said in a tiny voice, “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Babe, we’ve been together for nearly three years now. I just think it’s time that we take our relationship to a new level.” I was nearly pleading with her at this point.

“I’m just afraid that I’ll open up to you and I’ll end up getting hurt,” she responded.

“You know I love you, honey. You know this. Whether we do this or not, it won’t affect the way I feel about you. But I know that it will deepen our relationship and bring us more intimately together.”

Head pointed slightly toward the floor, her eyes darted up and looked at me, and I thought I saw a small twinkle in them. And sure enough, a quiet grin swept lightly across her face, one cheek to the other.

“Okay,” she said, almost whispering. “Okay.”

With that, she leaned slightly to the side, and I heard a soft exhale, like someone opening a new bottle of Coke, punctuated by two short high-pitched squeaks.

Her eyes widened a bit in anticipation of my reaction. I hugged her close to me and told her, “I’ve never felt closer to you.”

* * *

Is there any moment in a relationship quite like the first time your girlfriend farts in front of you? I don’t think there is.

There’s a certain crude magic to it. Provided your girlfriend isn’t named Helga or Bertha and has never won any chili-eating contests, you may not be accustomed to an elegant young woman squeaking one out, asking everybody if they smell fresh baked bread. After all, women are advised from a very young age that farts may be a lot of things, but ladylike is not one of them.

This is precisely the reason that the “long-term relationship fart” can be so important. You’re acting in a way that is completely against everything you might have ever been taught, but a way that is so in line with one’s true nature that once it happens, it feels so natural you wonder how you ever lived without it.

So whether you feel it necessary to have “the talk,” or if a loud one pops out accidentally mid-laugh, farts—especially girl farts—should be a celebrated occasion in any committed relationship. After all, girl farts are like unicorns: they are almost mythical, and you’ll most likely only encounter one if you believe very strongly that they are real.

Well, I believe. Do you?
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