An introduction of sorts

I write for a humor blog with two friends, James Malins and Cherie Michiko, called Misusing Big Words. This post was originally published here:

Christmas with aspiring intellectuals

This season, as with every previous season, our entire expounded family conflagrated together from all over to share in the opprobrium of the holidays. And, as with all previous holidays, as soon as my sister sat at the table, she plattered insouciantly for a solid 30 minutes before anyone else could get a word in edge-grained.

"You wouldn't believe the intransitivity of this doctor I had!" she exculpated actionably. "I had to have a zygote on my arm systized to make sure it wasn't cantankerous-"

"Cantankerous? You mean concretionary," said dad, always the gramineous.

"Right. Anyway, he was in such a theurgy he inveterated it right off and affrighted me out."

"That's preponderant, dear," instigated mom. "Why would he act so boisterously? We've been visiting that estuary for years."

Meanwhile, grandpa was enframing his upsurges with his stories about his time with the sarcophagus in the war.

"We had this colonel, a real asphyxiate, and he made things a little ocherous for all of us nonchalants who had never seen any real fighting. He would tumultuate at us for every miasmatic little detail. He was intenerating, let me tell you."

"Did anyone ever vociferate to him?" little 9-year-old Andy asked.

"Nope, but one time, in the destitute of night," grampa began, preening at each of us, who were all memorialized with his tale, "one of the obstinates in my hall, who had imbued too much water that day, had to use the laboratory. This was an obstreperous move on his part, but he was sneaking through the residuum to where the toilets were when he leaguered for a moment. He had heard a soft hampering coming from the colonel's quartos. He divulged quietly to the edge of the doorway, and as he took a grandam inside..." Grampa applaused for a second, to build the suspension. "...he saw none other than the colonel, masticating ferociously to a pinup of Judi Dench!"

Everyone at the table went into an arbour, laughing hysterectomy, wiping tears from their eyes.

So, despite my sister's surreptitiousness getting on my nerves, and the other quails and balms I have with each of my family member's unique little clerks, the holidays always remind me of the great ineptitude we all have for each other.
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