Appliance of the Month: The Tangent Salutes Garbage Disposal

From spring of 2003 until my graduation in May 2006, I wrote many articles for several sections of my college newspaper, the Los Angeles Loyolan. Here's one of my articles from the now-defunct humor section, Tangent.
Appliance of the Month
The Tangent Salutes Garbage Disposal

Mark J. Lehman
A&E Editor

Originally Published: Thursday, December 8, 2005

We've had our problems in the past, to be sure -- remember that time you ate my mom's favorite silverware? -- but during this holiday season, I thank Father Christmas for you, Garbage Disposal.

Your name is deceptive, because though you do, indeed, DISpose of my garbage, you also EXpose me to new sensations, new feelings, new experiences. I remember the first time we played together, Mom warned me to be careful. She said you were "dangerous," but I knew then what I know now -- you might be dangerous, but I know you'll always use your powers for good.

You've taught me so much about life, Garbage Disposal. You taught me about death, when my goldfish Franco died of natural causes. Dad said you were a portal to Heaven as he dropped Franco's limp, lifeless fish body into your gaping maw, and suddenly, I wasn't quite so sad anymore. You taught me about pain, too. I still have the scar from when I accidentally dropped my class ring and you caught it for me. You taught me a lesson that day-that if I'm not careful with my valuables, you'll cut me-and I've never forgotten it.

And, Garbage Disposal, you are especially helpful these weeks of December with the overabundance of fruitcakes. You know we can't (and won't!) eat all of those crazy concoctions, so you eat them for us like a true champ. You know, I still feel bad about last year when you got that particularly sneaky piece of candy cane stuck in your teeth and we had to call Mr. Fix-It to get it out. I know that hurt you, but I was so proud of you for being so brave as the handyman unplugged you and performed his surgery. We were all glad you made it through, and even happier that you were back to good health in time for the holidays.

So, although from time to time you mangle our ever-decreasing supply of forks, I know that your heart is in the right place, and I love you for it, Garbage Disposal. I'll try to sneak you a slice of pumpkin pie this year, because I know how much you love it. Merry Christmas, buddy.
[via Los Angeles Loyolan: http://www.laloyolan.com/2.4416/1.399380]
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