(non) Appliance of the Month: The Tangent Flips Off Microwave

From spring of 2003 until my graduation in May 2006, I wrote many articles for several sections of my college newspaper, the Los Angeles Loyolan. Here's one of my articles from the now-defunct humor section, Tangent.
(non)Appliance of the Month
The Tangent Flips Off Microwave

Mark J. Lehman
Managing Editor

Originally Published: Tuesday, April 4, 2006

The movie has just started, but I can already smell your stench. How foolish was I to have pushed the "popcorn" button and trusted that you would know what to do and when to stop doing it. Now, half of the bag contains burnt brown kernels and I'm forced to eat healthier but less mentally nourishing snacks like carrots or sloe gin. For this reason and more, Microwave, I'm using this typically praising column to point out your failures as the antithesis of the appliance of the month.

Microwave, even when you don't burn my popcorn or you're not cooking day-old burritos, there is little about you that doesn't stink. When I asked you to reheat my pizza the other day, you only melted half the cheese, leaving the rest cold and clammy and making the bottom all soggy, like a wet sponge made of flour and ambition. Heck, despite its obvious inferiority to the Toaster, even the toaster oven can do a better job than that.

Microwave, you're so bad, I'm not only disqualifying you from being in the running for appliance of the month, I won't even let you be a write-in. (As if anyone would write you in, anyway, chump.)

Not only are you a poor excuse for an appliance, Microwave, but you're also a bigot. What have you got against metal, anyway? Why does it get you so fired up? Don't be exclusive, Microwave; after all, you don't see Stove or Oven kicking silverware out into the cold. Get with the times, Microwave. It's a different world than when you were born, so start acting like it.

Besides, think about this: if you suck, then you aren't allowed to be selective. That's like uglies only willing to hook up with devilishly attractive people like Brad Pitt or Keira Knightley -- it ain't gonna happen, folks.

Even meals created specifically to be cooked by you turn out nasty, usually in some combination of hardened and crusty or soupy and soggy. Sure, you can make food faster than any other appliance… you want a medal for it? If I gave you one, you'd just catch fire anyway, because it'd be made out of metal. And anyway, a 12 year old failing the third grade can probably make a finger painting pretty quick, but it doesn't mean it'll be any damn good. In fact, if he's failing third grade, chances are it will suck pretty bad. Just like you.

Microwave, it's time to shape up or ship out. Toaster, Blender, Garbage Disposal and I are sick of you always wanting to join our elite group. Why don't you "wave" goodbye to any hope of joining the appliance of the month club, because starting today, there's a new law in appliance land: no Microwaves.

Stick that in yourself and smoke it. Oh, wait, you can't do that either, ya useless bastard.
[via Los Angeles Loyolan: http://www.laloyolan.com/2.4416/1.398345]
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