Appliance of the Month: The Tangent Salutes Electric Knife

From spring of 2003 until my graduation in May 2006, I wrote many articles for several sections of my college newspaper, the Los Angeles Loyolan. Here's one of my articles from the now-defunct humor section, Tangent.
Appliance of the Month
The Tangent Salutes Electric Knife

Mark J. Lehman
A&E Editor

Originally Published: Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Welcome, friends, to the best season of the year. No, it's not because of Halloween, Thanksgiving or hot cocoa mornings. It's because of you, and only you, Electric Knife.

They broke the mold when they made you, Electric Knife. Knives in and of themselves are totally awesome, as everyone knows, but when you add the sheer power of that new technology called "electricity" to the mix, it's the best combination since that evil genius of the 13th century put peanut butter and banana together into a sandwich.

Sure, your use is usually limited to Christmas and Thanksgiving, when you are busted out to carve the hell out of those turkeys, but that's okay. You keep doing what you're doing, Electric Knife. It's working for you. You know exactly what I need, and you deliver the goods with style and gusto.

Some of my friends have been in my face lately about whether you are really worthy of my adoration as appliance of the month, taunting me with jeers like "It's not an appliance, it's a utensil!" But don't worry, Electric Knife; I don't let that faze me. I know what we have is real, and I believe you're man enough to be both utensil and appliance. Some might even say that makes you that much cooler, and when they say that, my heart goes pitter patter with pride and admiration.

If others got to know you like I know you, they'd see past your outer plastic casing and your bi-annual turkey-carving performance, and look deep inside to see the things that make you truly special. For instance, I know that if I'm ever in trouble, you're there in a flash to help me out, since you can triple as not only an appliance and a utensil, but in dire situations, as a weapon as well. Electric Knife, you're nothing but surprises, and that's just one of the many reasons why I love you.

So don't be nervous this coming holiday season when I take you home to meet my family. I know they will all love you, and we'll have a long and happy life together.
[via Los Angeles Loyolan:]
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