Appliance of the Month: The Tangent Salutes Toaster

From spring of 2003 until my graduation in May 2006, I wrote many articles for several sections of my college newspaper, the Los Angeles Loyolan. Here's one of my articles from the now-defunct humor section, Tangent.
Appliance of the Month
The Tangent Salutes Toaster

Mark J. Lehman
A&E Editor

Originally Published: Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Toaster, you're unlike any appliance I've ever known. When I wake up in the afternoon, you know just the way I like my toast. Sure, we've had our difficulties, like that time I accidentally turned you up to "10" and you ruined my breakfast-miscommunication on my part, I suppose. In the end, though, I think our working toward a common goal has helped us grow together in ways I never could have imagined before I knew you.

There are so many great memories with you, it's hard to think of just one. Why, I remember the last time we made waffles together like it was yesterday, when we both know it was the day before that. I remember we didn't get to spend as much time together as usual, since I got that phone call and had to leave those Eggos in your capable hands, but when I came back five minutes later and saw you had toasted them to that perfect shade of golden brown-soft and chewy enough to practically melt in my mouth, yet with a slight crunch to give them personality-I knew right at that moment that I had found someone I could trust forever. It was so cute how you had the crumbs on you and I wiped them off with my napkin. Ahhh, la amore.

Heck, you can even make Pop Tarts taste good, and I didn't think that was possible! Some have said that the toaster oven is better, combining the best qualities of the oven and the toaster, but we both know that is flat-out incorrect. The toaster oven could never compare to you, Toaster, because we all know the toaster oven is just a poser, not being able to "oven-ate" as well as a normal oven, yet at the same time not possessing the ability to toast at a quality expected of such a proud and honorable appliance as you, Toaster.

Even its name is unoriginal! It poses as two different appliances bundled into one package when it is intrinsically incapable of performing either duty to the extent one might wish.

So, Toaster, I salute you this week for not compromising your integrity and I laud you for your sticktoitiveness. The world would be a lonely place without you-a lonely place with soggy, microwaved waffles and stale Pop Tarts. And that's not a world in which I want to live.
[via Los Angeles Loyolan: http://www.laloyolan.com/2.4416/1.399807]
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