One Hot Date

From spring of 2003 until my graduation in May 2006, I wrote many articles for several sections of my college newspaper, the Los Angeles Loyolan. Here's one of my articles from the now-defunct humor section, Tangent.
One Hot Date

Mark J. Lehman
A&E Editor

Originally Published: Friday, September 2, 2005

The tangent knows that living on campus without a car can be a frustrating experience, especially in terms of dating. With that in mind, we'd like to help you out. The following is a dating scenario specifically designed for those poor car-less souls stranded on campus.

This one is perfect for you lovers of all things Italian. Start out by taping a sign to your bike that says "Vespa," then head over to your date's dorm to pick them up. Sure, it's nerdy, but with the right amount of confidence and charm, they'll get a kick out of your quirky sense of humor and be willing to go along for the ride of their life.

Next, pedal your way to a romantic Italian dinner for two at the Lair. I'm thinking fettucini alfredo, but you're welcome to improvise with tortellini or ravioli. Grab one of the booths in the corner where the lighting isn't too harsh, and set fire to a few sugar packets to "set the mood." By the final slurps of pasta, your date will be giddy with anticipation of what else you have in store.

Your after-dinner moves require some advance preparation. Get a hold of a plain white t-shirt and some red magic markers, and color in some horizontal stripes so you get a "Where's Waldo" effect going. Then, call up your local canoe dealership and rent a canoe for an hour (Don't worry-they deliver. I checked). Lead your date by the hand to Foley Pond, where you'll have already set up your boat. Next, strip off your shirt and tie to reveal the Waldo shirt. You both will know what comes next: a romantic boat ride accompanied by you belting out tunes such as "That's Amore" and "Libiamo, Libiamo."

Once your date is sufficiently "swooned," seal the deal in true Italian fashion-more eating. Bring your date back to your room, and blindfold him or her with the promise of a "delightful surprise." Grab some Haagen Dazs from your fridge (bought earlier that day from the Lair), spoon a few scoops out into two bowls, place one in front of your date, and shout an exclamatory ("Kablow" or "Booyaka" perhaps) while pulling off the blindfold. Fake like it's homemade gelato (learn how to make it off the internet in case they want an explanation.)

You are sure to score big with this last feat. That, combined with the rest of the well-planned and perfectly-executed date, and you'll have him or her exclaiming "Mamma mia!" in no time.
[via Los Angeles Loyolan:]
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