Where Are They Now?

From spring of 2003 until my graduation in May 2006, I wrote many articles for several sections of my college newspaper, the Los Angeles Loyolan. Here's one of my articles from the now-defunct humor section, Tangent.
Where Are They Now?

James Malins
Business Director
  and
Mark J. Lehman
Assistant A & E Editor

Originally published December 2004

Everyone has seen the TV programs showing us what various actors and actresses that used to be stars are doing with their lives now, but what about the characters that these actors and actresses played? Where are they? What’s become of them? Does anyone care?

We do, and you should too.
  1. Randall ‘Randy’ Taylor from "Home Improvement" – Seeking an exploratory journalism career, Randy severed ties with the Taylors and left college at the age of 20 to immerse himself in the culture of the Bambuti tribe of Gabon in Africa. Adopting the name Jomo Juma, which roughly translated, means “Farmer born on Friday,” Randy’s work is featured bi-monthly in National Geographic.

  2. Carlton Banks from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" – Though he spent many years and thousands of dollars on Duke Law School, Carlton found his true calling only six months ago when he was hired on as the new host of Soul Train. His greatest achievement occurred in late September when he played the first Tom Jones song ever featured on the show.

  3. Hermes ‘Uncle Jesse’ Katsopolis from "Full House" – Found dead in his penthouse suite in the MGM Grand in Las Vegas due to a cocaine overdose in the spring of 1997. Many attribute his drug problem to shame about the revelation of his real name in the National Enquirer, but some think the cause may be the Beach Boys rejecting their second single in collaboration—“For a Long, Long Time”—in late November of 1996.

  4. Steven Urkel from "Family Matters" – Years of torment forced Urkel into seclusion in his basement, where he continued his scientific pursuits and, in June 1999, succeeded in inventing a machine with cold-fusion capabilities. Unfortunately, in true Urkel fashion, in his rush to show Laura his discovery, he tripped and shattered the machine. He has not been seen since.

  5. Charles from "Charles in Charge" – After 12 years of being a “nanny,” Charles moved to Pensacola to tend bar at his brother Kyle’s Bikini Beach Bar. In May 2001 he was brought in on charges of selling stolen liquor to minors, but Charles decided to turn his life around and use the six months community service ordered by the state to start a non-profit organization called CHAZ, or the Center for Housing Animals and Zookeeping, in Des Moines.

  6. Michael Seaver from "Growing Pains" - His precocious nature garnered him a role on a sitcom in the late '90s about a family of five and the trials and tribulations they face as each of the kids grows up. Unfortunately, the show failed to catch on with mainstream audiences. Mike now hosts a mid-afternoon game show that makes contestants answer trivia questions to avoid being severely hurt.

  7. Sophia Spirelli Petrillo Weinstock from "The Golden Girls" – On the way home from a morning grocery run, she encountered an enamored Cody from Step by Step, and seizing the opportunity for a May-December romance, she took him that very weekend to Jamaica to elope. They reside happily in a small sand fortress on a beach in Waikiki.

  8. Cody Lambert from "Step by Step" – Concussed and delirious from a head wound on the construction site, Cody met Sophia from The Golden Girls and fell madly in love. This year they celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary.

  9. Kelly Kapowski from "Saved By The Bell" – After exhausting her entire personal savings from waitressing at The Max by giving large endowments to several charitable organizations, including helping fund CHAZ with Charles from Charles in Charge, Kelly joined the Peace Corp and single-handedly solved all of the problems in the Middle East. She now happily resides in a two-bedroom apartment in Westchester with her two man-slaves James Malins and Mark J. Lehman.
[Los Angeles Loyolan web site does not have archives available this far back.]
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